Heat wave '06

Conclusions and Lessons Learned

1) 111 is a perfectly acceptable number for many things. A litter of Dalmatians, for example (give or take 10). A lifespan in dog years. (I of course am exempt here, having been granted immortality, or at least simultaneous mortality with Dale. See previous post, comments section.) Number of times I should be fed per day. Ideal number of pieces of laundry in the hamper for maximum dog bed comfort. Days between baths. To name a few.

111 is NOT an acceptable number for the temperature. (Also unacceptable: sentences which combine the words "ninety-two" and "low".)

2. If one must be subjected to 111 heat, do NOT have a natural body temperature of 106, no sweat glands, and a nonremovable fur coat. (Or belong to any religion which requires you to cover everything but your corneas in heavy black cloth).

3. If one must be subjected to 111 heat and wear a fur coat, have your owner lay out a nice, cold, wet towel for you, to be changed and refreshed hourly. Treatment should be augmented by a regular ice cube massage. (I know this goes against my general water-is-for-fish stance, but sometimes you've got to be flexible. See #5.)

4. Drink and eat lots of nice cold things. Yogurt, for example. However (and this is based on firsthand observation), do not open a yogurt, become distracted, put it somewhere and promptly forget it, go to sleep, leave for work the next morning, and come home to find a terrible odor in the apartment which you conclude must be caused by the wet towels draped for doggie comfort (see #4), run a whole load of laundry (in sweaty, steamy, unairconditioned laundromat), empty most of the entire contents of a can of air freshener into the room, and then decide that you are so hot that you would like a yog....oh.

5. Adapt. Occasional dermatological application of water, while not usually advisable, has its place. If it is too hot to play during the day, have your psychotic energy periods at 3AM.

6. If you are fortunate enough to be able to remove your outer layers (i.e, you are not of the fur coat-stricken species), do not do so in front of your suffering fur-coated friend. Also try to sweat privately--it makes us both jealous and, frankly, kind of grossed out. Think about the odor of that fat guy on the subway, and then imagine having a sense of smell 5,000 times more acute than you do now.

7. Think positive. If your owner has betrayed you for air-conditioned climes, at least you have more time to blog in peace. And remember, it could be worse: you could be a Newfoundland. (If you are a Newfoundland reading this--it could be worse: you could be two Newfoundlands.)