Tuesday, November 14, 2006

I just read mom's post from yesterday--glad my exquisite sense of timing paid off. Of course I would have known she was stressed anyway, what with my super sharp instinctive attunement to emotional cues, but the fact is, she was yapping so much about it all day on the phone and in her e-mails, I would have to be a plant not to have gotten the hint. I tell you guys, there is no substitute for the well-timed day of self-sufficiency and reassuring non-needy presence. I am thinking of writing a self-help book, and this will be rule #2. (Rule #1: you are cute. use it.) I've looked at the titles on the human self-help market, and none of them are even vaguely applicable to dogs. We know exactly who moved the cheese--that would be the owner, keeping us from getting at it. We do not have self-esteem problems--how can you not think highly of yourself when you are a superior species? And we don't generally want to influence "people"--we want to influence that one person who gives us the food and the walks. To that end, here are some tips:

As mentioned, a single day of total self-reliance, properly timed, will pay off in months and months of adoring affection and treats. (Proof: we went for an hourlong walk today, on which I probably ingested not just all four food groups, but most of the periodic table).

Well, now that I think of it, rule #1 pretty much covers everything else. The key is to figure out exactly which of your cuteness traits is most likely to cause your owner to lose all pretensions to discipline or getting work done or keeping you on that diet. I specialize in the "covered by blankets with only tiniest appendage protruding," "soul eyes," and "6-foot leap at doorknob, sometimes even when door is open."

Please let me know what moves you have come up with. Also anything that didn't work (I know, I think I look cute tearing through the trash, but this has proven not to get good results).

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